Whew. What a night. What a battle. Night 1 of sleep boot camp in the books. As my buddy Bill Belichick used to say before he got cuckolded by JordOn – we’re on to Day 2. 

The good news? I woke up in my own bed at 6:30 this morning. First time I’ve done that since the Biden Administration.

The bad news? I was in my son’s room from 6:45 to 7:45, and then again from 11:25-12:45, listening to him tell me to “go to hell” in baby talk. Whew. He was pissed. But, he figured it out. Fell asleep. Or passed out. Not sure. Don’t want to ask.

The good news, Part II: he woke up again at 4:45 and put himself back to sleep at 5. I was so jazzed up, I nearly didn’t go back to sleep myself. I assume that’s what the Dolphins winning the Super Bowl one day will feel like. What a rush.

Anyway, welcome to a Thursday Nightcaps – the one where we celebrate #TariffDealDay with Karoline Leavitt, and go from there.

What else? I’ve got horrible human Ellen DeGeneres mowing her lawn on a Wednesday like a true Lib, the insufferable gaslighters at ESPN boxing themselves in a predictable corner, Heidi Klum going buns out for the summer, and Joe Biden joining the witches over on The View. 

This dude blamed Donald Trump for the border problem. I mean, does Joe still have it, or WHAT? What balls. Respect.

OK, grab you some oceanfront property in Arizona if you believe any of that, and settle in for a Thursday ‘Cap!

Joe Biden is back, baby!

We’ve got smoke from the Vatican, but we’re starting right here in the US of A, where Joseph R. Biden made his triumphant return to the airwaves this morning on the hardest-hitting show on the planet … The View!

God, those broads must’ve just been in heaven all day. They finally had someone on their miserable show at a similar IQ level, and it was a blast from start to finish.

I could cherry-pick plenty of nuggets from 46 – Lord knows OutKick will have full coverage later today – but this one in particular really did it for me.

How about the absolute STONES on Joe for blaming … Trump … for the millions of illegals in this country?

Trump!!

Welcome back, Ellen!

That’s my dude! God, I miss Joe Biden. Not because he was a great president – second-worst next to Jimbo Carter! – but because of the soundbites. The deer in the headlights looks. The whispering. The batshit crazy stuff he says/said all the time.

Not that we don’t get that with Trump – we do – but it’s different with Joe. It’s like when you visit your grandpa once a year for Christmas. He’s a lot to handle in big doses, but if you only get little tid-bits here and there, he’s hilarious.

Joe, I would assume, has NOT reached the ‘everything you say is offensive because you think it’s still 1957′ stage of life yet like my Gaga did towards the end, but he’ll get there. And I cannot wait.

Anyway, shame on Trump for keeping the border open during the four years he was out of office and being persecuted every other month! How did he find the time?

Joe tried to fix it, but he just didn’t have the votes. That’s it. Plain and simple! It’ll take Trump years to fix it, I’m sure …

Oh. Never mind. He fixed it four seconds into his second term. Moving on …

… to another lefty with her head so far up her own ass – Ellen DeGeneres! She’s back, baby, and over in the UK just in time for Trump’s big trade deal!

Insufferable ESPN, not insufferable Karoline Leavitt & readers love tacos!

How lucky are we that, out of all the intolerable lefties who threatened to leave the country if Trump won, Ellen DeGeneres AND Rosie O’Donnell were the two that actually went through with it?

I mean, who has it better than us? Nobody!

I just cannot stand her. She’s the worst. This toxic narcissist fooled suburban moms across the country for decades, and I always – always – called bullshit on it.

The First Lady loved Ellen. Recorded her every single day. Watched it religiously. I always knew the act was nonsense. I saw right through it from Day 1.

“Be kind to one another.” Yeah, sure thing, Ellen. You may have fooled the minivan moms, but not me. I always knew it was fake. Felt it in my plumbs. I told her a dozen times, and she never believed me.

She just kept DVRing Ellen every day because she was so funny and nice and kind and blah, blah, blah.

And then it came out that she was actually an AWFUL person who treated her staff like shit, and she eventually quit her awful show and basically went into hiding.

And now? She’s mowing lawns in the UK. What a career-arc. Let’s rapid-fire this class into a big Thursday night.

First up? Let’s check in on the woke ladies of ESPN while we’re on the subject of awful humans!

Yeah, I mean, it’s just so perfect. The virtue-signalers over at ESPN did some silent protest during a game three years ago because Ron DeSantis didn’t want 6-year-olds taught sex education, and now their own parent company is building a theme park in a place where gays get beheaded.

They’ll never, ever learn, will they? Remember, boys and girls, the virtue-signaling lefties don’t really care about what they claim to care about. They don’t. It’s all an act. All for show. All for the clicks and the engagement.

Can’t wait to hear from these two gaslighters in the coming days about how enraged they are about this! I’m sure their ‘LGBTQIA+ teammates’ are anxiously waiting, too.

Next? The left can have those two. Us sane folks on the right side of things have Karoline Damn Leavitt.

We’ve already won:

That’s our girl! Great day for Karoline and the American people, too. I hear Trump did the thing everyone said he wouldn’t do, and actually made a trade deal.

And … would you look at that? Mr. Dow and Mrs. S&P are nearly back to where they were two months ago. Weird how that happens. The stock market almost never goes back up!

Finally – before we end the day with Heidi – let’s check the mail.

A ton of you were QUICK to help me understand Anna Paulina Luna’s taco post from Cinco-de-Mayo, and I appreciate it. This is why Nightcaps students are the best on the planet.

From Jon D:

Congresswoman Luna was going for a deep callback to July 2022 remarks by noted neurosurgeon and felonious accomplice Dr. Jill Biden.

From … Jon C:

Anna Paulina is making fun of Jill Biden for her speech comparing Latinos to breakfast tacos 3 years ago. 

And, from Ryan in OK:

I could be wrong, but I think APL’s post about not being an average breakfast taco was a reference to when Jill Biden spoke at a Hispanic breakfast (I think for cinco de mayo) and referred to Hispanics as breakfast burritos. 

Obviously got glossed over by the even dumber things ol joe was mumbling.

Take us home, Heidi Klum!

Amazing. I had completely forgotten about that! The two Jons, and one Ryan, were spot on. What a moment that was. What a presidency. What a ride.

OK, that’s it for today. Good, solid class. Let’s go have a big night and tan our asses off with Heidi Klum.

See you tomorrow.

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You miss Ellen? Email me at [email protected].